Accepting myself helped me to open up, and vice versa

It’s ‘Time to Talk’ day in the UK, which I think is a great way to allow people to talk more openly about their mental health, especially for those who find it difficult.

I spent a long time as a closed book and opening up was something I just couldn’t and didn’t want to do. Part of this was because I was unable to accept my diagnoses and accept who I am.

I also felt, and still feel at times that I don’t understand how I feel, so putting that into words for others to hear feels impossible.

It’s taken me years to start talking more freely about my experiences, and I still struggle at times with this. I’ve just never really been a person to tell everyone about myself, and can be very reserved in that aspect.

Days like these though are really important. People should be made to feel comfortable and encouraged to open up every day, but unfortunately it’s not that easy. But having days like this allows people to start those conversations.

I can honestly really relate to anyone that struggles to talk openly, like I said it’s taken me years to start doing this more. I believe being unable to accept my issues has played a major part in preventing me from reaching out for help earlier on in my life.

When I talk about acceptance, I’m mainly focusing on accepting myself, my diagnoses, and events that have happened to me. But I understand that others may feel that they aren’t accepted by those around them or society itself. That’s something I’d like to talk about more in a future blog post, so today my focus is on self-acceptance.

Accepting yourself is very difficult when you don’t have a strong sense of who you are. I’ve spoken in the past about identity, which is something I still find difficult at times. I don’t want to be known for my mental health issues, but they are a huge part of me and that’s something I can no longer hide from.

Part of it I feel was denial. I didn’t want to have the problems I have, and I refused to accept that they were happening at times. This really prevented me from moving forward in life, and regardless of how well I tried to put a plaster over everything, it always came to the surface and became unbearable.

My denial prevented me from reaching out for help and talking. I feel that being unable to accept my emotional difficulties therefore resulted in hitting rock bottom on a number of times, and therefore led to hospital admissions.

After each admission I told myself I never wanted that to happen again, but unfortunately it did. And only recently I was discharged from hospital following a short admission. In the past I spent a lot of my time agonising over how I’d got to the point of being admitted, but this time it was different. I decided to try to accept very early on that being in hospital was what I needed, and by doing this I was able to be more open and remain focused on my recovery, rather than dwelling.

Accepting it for what it was allowed me to reduce the time spent in hospital, and I used my time to get myself through this difficult point and start to move forward. I was able to communicate more with the staff there, and spoke more openly about how I was feeling. This for me is a huge thing and is an improvement from previous experiences.

I’ve also been able to recognise that I was a lot more open with my Community Mental Health team before and after my latest admission. This definitely helped to make this admission a lot shorter because I was able to address the issues with them and the hospital staff straight away.

In the past I’ve spent so much time trying to convince myself that I’ll never have to go into hospital again. Instead I now accept that it may happen again, but my focus remains on my recovery. I can’t predict the future, and I have to accept that my difficulties can overwhelm me at times.

I know for me, another issue was accepting that I’m going to have difficulties for the rest of my life. It was too much for me to deal with. I’ve spent a lot of time wishing my circumstances were different. There’s times where I still feel like this, but I try not to look too far into the future and focus on the here and now. By doing this, I reduce the overwhelming worry of what the future holds, and I can enjoy more of what’s going on now.

The future is scary, especially when you know that difficult times are almost guaranteed ahead. But I try to re-focus on what’s happening today and that actually does really help.

I’ve learnt that it’s okay to accept help. I can try to fool myself but I know I need support and will need it probably for the rest of my life, but that’s okay. Asking for help can be so hard, but it doesn’t show any sign of weakness. Telling someone you’re struggling is brave and shows so much strength.

We’re all too quick to avoid and pretend that we’re fine, when it’s the complete opposite at times.

I continue each day to work at accepting myself and my circumstances. I find myself in a position that at times I feel isn’t where I want to be. I have to accept that I do have a lot of great things in my life though. I can’t change the path that I’ve come down, but I can accept it for what it is and I can keep fighting to get to where I want to be. A huge part of this is being more open and speaking out when I am struggling.

I know that opening up can feel like the scariest thing to do, but the more we talk, the easier it becomes. We all have difficulties in some way or another, but we’re not alone.

Use today to reach out and start those difficult conversations.