We all feel vulnerable at different times in our lives. Whether that’s starting a new school, job, doing something that we’ve never done before, the list can go on forever. These events are so common, so why is vulnerability often associated with weakness?
I know I can easily speak for myself with this association. I’ve always been quick to give others the perception that I can handle everything, which I now know is impossible to maintain. Not only did I pretend not to be vulnerable to others, I also tried to pretend to myself. This attempt to squash these feelings only led to them coming out all at once and in extremely negative ways.
It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom, did I then begin to realise that I’d been avoiding such an important part of me. There have been times when I have felt so vulnerable because of my mental health problems, that I couldn’t cope with it. It was almost like I felt that all I had left was the pretence that I was strong.
It took being admitted into a secure hospital for mental health to see how vulnerable I was. Arriving in the middle of the night and sitting down on the bed. Stopping and looking around and having the realisation of where I had ended up. Not knowing anybody or the rules. Not knowing if they could even help me to get better, but worst of all not knowing whether I even wanted to. That for me was one of the most vulnerable moments of my life and I had no choice but to face it. The strength that I pretended I had was gone, and I was left alone with all of these feelings that come with feeling vulnerable.
Now I know that’s a very extreme example, but I’m sure that everyone can pin point so many times where they’ve felt vulnerable. In all honesty, I can feel like this multiple times a day which I know links heavily to my own mental health conditions. My point really is that vulnerability is a regular feeling we all have.
The feeling of being vulnerable terrified me so I was always so quick to brush it to one side and try to ignore it. For a very long time to me, vulnerability meant weakness. I really don’t know why I felt like this which is frustrating. But this is why I wanted to talk about it now. In my opinion, this misconception prevented me from accessing help earlier on. If I had shown this scared, vulnerable side of me, then others would have picked up on it too.
As a society in the UK we have the attitude of grin and bear it, or feel like we need to keep our emotions to ourselves. Thankfully as time is going on, we’re identifying that addressing how we feel and improving our mental wellbeing is so important. I know that personally I’m no longer pushing the ‘be strong’ attitude onto myself and I’m trying to address how I feel when I feel it. It wasn’t until I started accepting these feelings of vulnerability that I was able to sit with them. It’s still a struggle at times but it’s getting easier.
Don’t get me wrong I do still try to protect those around me from worry and hurt, but I’m learning to be more open and honest, and actually let people in.
Feeling vulnerable is a healthy part of life and we need to use it to push ourselves. If we stayed stagnant and never put ourselves in unfamiliar or difficult situations, how do we expect to grow? But feeling vulnerable is scary, and it’s understandable that people would want to avoid it. Change as a whole is a huge part of life and links closely with vulnerability. But in order to achieve the things we push for, no matter what size, we have to allow ourselves to feel vulnerable.
I know that there will be so many different situations that I’ll face in the future that will leave me feeling vulnerable. I need to remind myself at these times that this is a natural reaction. It is not a measure of strength, and it is a part of all of us.
My focus is now on continuing to be more open with those around me and allowing them to see my vulnerabilities.
If you only take one thing from this, know that it’s okay to feel vulnerable.
Lauren Talks 